My Dearest, Ryan
You must know how much you matter to me. Our friendship is one of the best things in my life, and I consider you one of the most honorable people I have ever met.
I know we don't talk much. But I consider you my best friend.
You probably don't know my name, but you must remember me. We met in the most particular way: Billy Jackson and his gang followed me after class and were beating me up when you snooped in and told them to get lost. You didn't talk to me, you left right after, but I started noticing you at school.
That night, when I got home, I told my parents I had a new friend. They were so happy for me, but I couldn't even tell them your name. You'll have to meet them one day. I'm sure you three would hit it off perfectly.
But allow me to continue. After that day, I became more and more interested in you. I learned that your name is Ryan Evans, and you're from the same grade as me. How did I never notice we have Biology together? Crazy, I know!
I also learned that you live on number 17, Cypress Road, with your parents and two sisters. On weekends, you enjoy taking a walk to the park with your dog, or going to your friends' houses. You're not one to go to parties, I saw. You must excuse me, but I climbed the tree in your yard, so now I know exactly how your room looks: you have blue walls, a Green Day poster and a bookshelf. I couldn't see much more, but I'm hoping one day you'll invite me over. It'll be fun. We can play video games and talk about our lives. Not that there's much more about yours that you can tell me. I think I know almost everything.
There's one more thing about you. You're dating Kelly Pilgrim, one of the prettiest girls in our school.
I don't know why you put up with her. She's attractive, but mean. Do you know she's one of the girls that makes fun of me during PE? After we became friends, I did some research into her. Her Facebook profile showed me a shallow girl that only cares about makeup and parties. What are you doing with her, Ryan? You could do much better. Susan Collins, from our class, has a crush on you. If you asked her out, she would definitely say yes.
But I don't want to talk to you about Susan. I want to talk about Kelly.
You see, I've been watching her for a while. I know it'll sound dumb, but when we became friends I had this little fantasy of mine where I imagined that if you two got married, I would be the best man. If I was going to be your best friend, I had to meet Kelly.
Her house is really nice. Maybe you're with her for the money? I don't know. I spent an entire week camping by her house, without her even noticing. I even took it a step further and skipped class to break into her room while nobody was home. Do you remember last week, when her phone went missing? That was me. I sneaked it out of her purse during lunch. She didn't even notice.
(I don't really like to think that I stole it. She found it later that day, idly placed on her desk. See? I'm not a bad guy.)
What I found will disturb you, Ryan. You may need to sit down before reading this.
Kelly was cheating on you. With Billy Jackson, no less!
How do I know? When I went to her bedroom, I found a boy's shirt under the bed, and it wasn't one of your shirts, I was sure. That's why I stole her phone. I went through all her texts and phonecalls, pictures too. The things she said to him. The pictures she sent. Now, I don't consider myself to be a prude, but that was too much.
Ryan, please don't forgive her. I know everybody has been saying how nice and kind she was. I saw you cry at the memorial that was held for her at school. But have you never questioned why they found her body next to Billy's?
Yes, it was me. After I found out what they were doing, I couldn't control myself. I only wanted to kill Billy, you know? Kelly was your girlfriend, after all. She was important to you, and I wouldn't lay a finger on her, in normal circumstances. I waited in the school's parking lot after basketball practice, knowing Billy always took a path in the woods behind the school. I brought my father's switchblade and a pair of gloves. I was ready.
I hid behind some bushes, and I knew what I wanted to do. First, I wanted to force him to confess. When the time came, I silently knocked him to the ground and sat on his chest, grasping my switchblade tightly. He fought like hell, but for once I was able to overpower him.
Ryan, I can barely describe to you what I felt while torturing him. I started to dig my knife on his arms and legs, careful to avoid any main arteries. I slowly started to cut his face, making long lashes appear on his skin. It was by then that he started to cry, and without a drop of dignity. He bawled his eyes out, promised he would never hurt me again. I felt like God, you know? We both knew I had his life on my hands, and if only I sunked my knife a little deeper... goodbye, Billy.
Now, I don't drink. I don't even smoke. Anything. So I don't know how it's like to be drunk or high. And yet, I felt like I had just experienced the best drugs on the universe. My head was spinning in the most delightful way. My hands were warm with blood, and that heat was spreading to my stomach and lungs. For once, the air felt pure and revigorating.
After what felt like years, Billy finally squealed out his confession. By this point, the earth around us was tainted with a very particular shade of dark red, and in that red earth he started to tell me all the details of his sordid relationship. When he and Kelly started going out, all their secret dates, everybody who knew what they were up to.
By that point, my head was in the clouds. I was no longer Nathan Young, the guy everybody thinks is weird. I was a piece of meat controlled by a higher power. Something almost divine was powering me.
When the switchblade went through Billy's stomach, I couldn't control myself. I laughed, hard enough to make tears fall from my eyes. Again and again, the metal ripped through muscle and skin. Normally, I would have hated the smell that rose from Billy's body (blood and whatever he had eaten before practice, everything mixed with the odors of nature), but in that moment it was like a sweet perfume.
He stopped fighting after that. I rose to my feet, feeling like a titan, and looked down. He was so pale, now that he was relieved of his blood. And he looked even more dim than he usually did. His face had a blank expression, no thoughts showing through. Not even the blink of an eye. My work was done, although I could have stayed there forever.
And that's when Kelly showed up, looking for that jackass. How was I supposed to know he was going to meet up with her after practice?
I couldn't hide the body. I couldn't hide myself. I don't know when she got there (I swear she came out of nowhere), but I knew she had seen me kill Billy. For a moment, she looked at me. Just before running away.
I thought about letting her go. But I also didn't want to go to jail.
The only reason I catched up to her was because she tripped and fell. I pinned her to the ground, but my switchblade was gone, dropped during the chase. So I wrapped my hands around her neck. It wasn't exactly my style, but it had to be done.
Killing Kelly wasn't as fun or delightful as killing Billy was. Her legs jerked under my body, trying to kick me away. And being so close to her disturbed me. I was fully aware of the fear in her eyes, the realization she was going to die in those woods, killed by a freak who she mocked.
But in those moments I finally understood why you like her. She wasn't so beautiful up close. She was scared, insecure. That whole rich bitch attitude was just for show. There was something terribly human about her fear. It's funny how I never imagined Kelly as a human like you and me.
I almost fell sorry when I checked her pulse but felt nothing. If things had turned out differently, we could have been friends. One day, I could have given a speach at your wedding. She would have looked dashing in white.
I didn't bother going back for my switchblade. It had no finger prints anyway. Instead, I did my best to look innocent. The bloody gloves went to a trashcan, and I took a path back home with no surveillance cameras and with my hood pulled over my head. My parents were still at work, so no questions were asked when I undressed my blood stained clothes and threw them into the furnace. To be completely honest, I thought I would get away with it.
How stupid it was to think that no one would miss Kelly and Billy. Not three days later, the entire town was doing searches, looking for them. And of course the first place where they looked was the woods behind the school. The switchblade was also found, but, as I expected, it was clear of finger prints.
You know the rest. Weeks spent trying to figure out what happened. Everybody always scared that they would be next. However, I was never called in for questioning. As far as I know, no one will ever think that I did it. So why am I writing you this letter, a full confession of my bad deeds?
Ryan, do you know who Detective Young is? Well, Detective Young is one of the cops at the police station. He also happens to be my father. And although he is not supposed to comment on his work, he still talks a lot to my mom. She's very curious, especially about the murder of two of our town's most well-known teenagers. Everyday, he spills her the secrets she's not supposed to know. And I hear it all.
Last night, he came home and told her you're their lead suspect. They also went through Kelly's phone, and the friends that had been covering up their relationship came forward. Their main guess is that you also found out and decided to take matters into your own hands. How wrong they are.
Ryan, I can't let you go to jail. You did nothing, and what kind of best friend betrays the other like that?
You're so kind, and strong. You were the one who saw a loser being hurt by bullies, and you stood up for me. And the people you talked to and the betrayal you went through didn't make you bitter. They only made you kinder. The world needs people like you, but it doesn't need people like me. So I'm sending you this letter, and then I'm going to turn myself in. You'll get it in a few days, I'm sure.
It's almost time for me to go. But before that, can you promise me something?
I want you to go visit me in jail. I know you have other friends, friends that you like more, but I was the one friends that wanted to make you happy. You must understand how much your happiness and well-being matters to me. I know that what I did might put a stain over our relationship, but please look past it. Such a pure and loyal friendship only happens very rarely. We shouldn't throw what we have away.
So I beg of you: come see me. Talk to me. Let's get back the time we lost.
I have to go. But I hope to see you soon.
Yours, now and forever,
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