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A Love Letter

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:01 pm
by StaggerLee
Criticism appreciated. I'm not very good at trigger warnings, so if you think it deserves any, please let me know.

Georgia, my dearest love,

I have never felt anything like what I feel for you. My very soul is on fire. Life seems to be in monochrome, with you being the only thing in colour. The only reason I smile is because I think of you. The only reason I frown is because of your absence. What did I live for before you danced into my life?

I believe all relationships should be based on honesty, so I will not fill this love letter with lies about your appearance. You are not, in the traditional sense, beautiful. You are not a typical Juliet. Your nose is too angular, too sharp. Your eyes are somewhat dull and muted. Your mouth, a little too wide. You are also a little too plump. Having said that, you are the perfect mix of imperfections. You are striking, and remain in the mind forever after viewing. Yours is a face a man could love for the rest of his days. Yours is a face I could love for the rest of my days.

The first time I saw you was the time I fell in love with you. You were performing something in assembly. A song, from the school production of Les Mis. No doubt ticket sales were down; they always were. You were Fantine. You sang a rendition of ‘I Dreamed a Dream’. It was not the best rendition I had heard. You were flat on several notes, and went out of time somewhere in the middle. You also couldn’t quite reach that final high note. But those flaws didn’t matter. Your emotions, the message behind the song, came through loud and clear. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as beautiful as when you caught the eye of a friend in the audience. The friend waved, did some obscene gesture. But you ignored her. You carried on, divine, aloof. I booked tickets for every night. I was sorely disappointed when you were ill on the final performance. The girl who replaced you was nothing.

You know, I realised something when I began this panegyric, this letter dedicated to your beauty. I don’t actually know your surname. It never even occurred to me to buy a programme at the production; a wee bit too expensive for me. Intriguing, isn’t it. How love surpasses the need for names, for identification. As Juliet didn’t care about the Montague name, so too do I have no interest in your surname. No doubt it is something divine, however.

Of course, you don’t know my surname. Or indeed my name. You may not even realise who I am. You see me every day, my love. You just don’t perceive me. Every day, you get dropped off. Your parents, probably? You walk through the gates. You see me. You may even give me a nod. But you never consider me a human being with thoughts and emotions of my own. I don’t blame you though. How could I, oh love of my life? You’re blinkered, perhaps. But I can help you change in your life. Relationships are about change, after all. I forgive you.

I also forgive you for your other ‘liaisons’, so to speak. Like with Hwan. Oh yes. I know all about your relationship with him. I heard him bragging to the 'lads' about what you let him do to you, all the parts of your fleshy church that you had let his filthy degenerate hands feel. He was never worthy to touch you, that fat filthy fucking Korean shithead. He said that you were a slut, a whore. He said that he would probably dump you for somebody else, that he had had you and was more than ready to move on. I felt so angry at that, as I’m sure you would. You are something permanent, not some trinket to be had and then thrown away. I caught you crying at the assembly they called to remember his crude and blissfully short life. Why did you cry? Perhaps it was just the tumultuous mix of emotions. Teenage years can be hard. Don’t worry, I understand. I'm sure that you will, in time, appreciate my actions, and my devotion.

I’ve admired you for one year, three months, two weeks, and a day now. Trust me, that’s precise; I’ve kept count. Why, then, am I proclaiming my love now? Because I can’t take it anymore. Every moment is pain without you to share it with me. I NEED YOU. I know that you’re young, a sweet, sweet sixteen. I know that your parents would say no. I know that I’m older than you, and I know that you might not be attracted to a balding, slightly flabby middle aged man, a mere school janitor by trade, a man who is looked down upon by eleven year olds. But just dedicate yourself to this action. Take a risk. Carpe diem, and all that jazz. I’ll be such a loving partner, and I’ll ensure that you live a life of excitement that others would be envious of.

If you want to choose me, if you want to love me, then gather up your things and meet me at the school gates tomorrow. At midnight. If you ignore this letter, if you ignore this meeting, or if you dare to tell figures of authority about me, then that’s fine. I don’t think of you as a commodity or inanimate object. You cherish your free will, sweetheart. Just keep in mind these points.

ONE. I have friends in the school office. I know your number, both mobile and home. I know where you live. I even know your allergies. I never liked seafood either.

TWO. The school gives me so many tools to do my business. Hammers. Steel wires. Crowbars. Wrenches. It would be so easy to break in to your house, in the middle of domestic suburbia. No alarms or guard dogs to get in my way.

THREE. Despite my appearance, I’m strong. So very, very strong. And you’re just a sweet little girl who smokes cigarettes without her parents knowing, who prefers the sofa to the gym. I could strangle you. Beat you until your perfect imperfect face was unidentifiable. Crack your petite little neck.

If you deny me, I will come for you. We’ll spend your last few minutes on Earth, and hours after, making tender, ferocious love. I’ll murder your parents before coming to your room, with a knife or a hammer or my bare hands. Perhaps you’ll be in bed, and I’ll wake you up from dreams into a nightmare. Perhaps you’ll be taking off your makeup, and look in your mirror to see me behind you, appreciating your natural beauty. When you see me, will you smile or will you scream?

I so hope you choose to spend your life with me, Georgia. I don’t think you’ll ever meet anybody who loves you as I do, and I’m definite that I’ll never love anybody as much as I do you. Apologies that I got somewhat angry in this letter. I’m just so passionate, and so desperate for your love and for your praise. If you denied me, I would be nothing.

Yours, forever,
A reverential observer.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 5:01 pm
by clockworkfoxxe
Honestly? It's forced and sounds like what it is- a story. It's also a really, really, incredibly cliche idea, and that makes it rather hard to be scared of.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 5:05 pm
by StaggerLee
clockworkfoxxe wrote:Honestly? It's forced and sounds like what it is- a story. It's also a really, really, incredibly cliche idea, and that makes it rather hard to be scared of.


Well, thanks for the criticism at least. Is there anything else you didn't like? You've critiqued the idea behind it, anything about my writing style as a whole?

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 6:24 pm
by Raindrop
I got chills... Your story may be cliche, but what matters is that you took an idea and made it into your own thing. I think that's great. I loved the twist.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 6:58 pm
by StaggerLee
Raindrop wrote:I got chills... Your story may be cliche, but what matters is that you took an idea and made it into your own thing. I think that's great. I loved the twist.

Thanks very much Raindrop! I really don't think it's the best thing I've written; the cliche does undermine it quite a bit. Still, really glad that you enjoyed it.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:38 am
by Darylsdckson
Very Lolita-esque. I mean that as a compliment, since Lolita is one of the most disturbing novels I've ever read. I do like the idea of a deranged older male becoming fixated on a young girl. That, in itself, should be terrifying to anyone. Maybe it's not an original idea, but if redone correctly, who cares? I think you've done this trope justice.

The only thing I'd wish for a little more slow-burn, not giving away who he really is or what he's capable of until the very, very end. You did do this to an extent, but being in a letter format made it a little trickier to stretch out as far as I would have liked. The rule of thumb I use, which might be common sense, but helps me, personally: The mystery should always be drawn out longer than the explanation, and the explanation should always be more interesting than the lure of the mystery.

After all, this forum is for amateurs of many different levels. Not all of us are published authors. There's room to grow, always, so don't be deterred. Shit, I'd like to see you expand on this one. (:

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 3:36 pm
by clockworkfoxxe
StaggerLee wrote:
clockworkfoxxe wrote:Honestly? It's forced and sounds like what it is- a story. It's also a really, really, incredibly cliche idea, and that makes it rather hard to be scared of.


Well, thanks for the criticism at least. Is there anything else you didn't like? You've critiqued the idea behind it, anything about my writing style as a whole?



It's lacking in any kind of feeling or emotion; it's like you read somewhere that, for a story to be creepy, you follow THIS formula, and do THAT twist, and so you did. I don't know how the other person 'got chills'- there's literally no feeling behind this. It's a story that reads like exactly that- a story. And, especially for a scary tale- ESPECIALLY for one that wants to be so personal and 'real'- that's a very bad thing.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:31 pm
by sundance1867
I liked this story! I agree with some of the other comments that there's definitely room to improve, but I still got that rush of emotion at the reveal that you look for in a story like this. Small note on one thing that bothered me in terms of continuity. It seems to me that if he knows everything in note one, he'd probably know her surname. Obviously not a big deal, and I really liked the Romeo and Juliet allusion going back to her not being a perfect Juliet. Maybe say that since he's hit friends in the office, he could find out those things? I know it's nitpicking, but it caught my eye.

Anyways, great story and I hope to see more from you on here!

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 8:50 am
by krabbypatting
I honestly really like your writing style. I think it's refreshing, and simple. To me, it definitely seems like something a lonely, fucked up school janitor would write. My only criticism would be that you could maybe inject a little more character into him, sort of give him a little bit more depth. That said, the idea that his obsession with her is his defining feature is also p juicy. Creepy work :D

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2017 10:09 pm
by Paigeyk
I personally love that you played off the stalker idea. Things that creep me out the most are things that happen all the time in real life. I knew it was going to be stalkerish from the get go but I liked how you included things like him actually killing the boy!

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Thu Jan 19, 2017 11:49 pm
by Foxtrot
Over-used plot that had it's twist revealed to early (and I had figured it out even before that).
However, fcking amazing writing style. It was so delicate, like an actual love letter, and when the dude got all threat-y, it was beautiful brutal. A difficult format to tackle too. Maybe with future works, you could try poetry? Your style has a poetic air to it, as does mine, which is why I can't nail anything except poetry. Can't wait to see more.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 1:29 pm
by StaggerLee
Foxtrot wrote:Over-used plot that had it's twist revealed to early (and I had figured it out even before that).
However, fcking amazing writing style. It was so delicate, like an actual love letter, and when the dude got all threat-y, it was beautiful brutal. A difficult format to tackle too. Maybe with future works, you could try poetry? Your style has a poetic air to it, as does mine, which is why I can't nail anything except poetry. Can't wait to see more.

Thanks for the feedback, Foxtrot! I totally agree, it's obvious to me now that this was far too trope-y to be anywhere near perfect. Still, thank you so much for the compliments about my writing style! I've never really done much poetry, either at school or in my free time. I might have to have a try now though!

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2017 1:56 am
by katrina.k
clockworkfoxxe wrote:It's also a really, really, incredibly cliche idea,


You are really, really, incredibly redundant. I hope you don't aim to be an English teacher, your 'constructive' criticism is unnecessarily abrasive.

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 11:39 am
by M.Six
clockworkfoxxe wrote:
StaggerLee wrote:
clockworkfoxxe wrote:Honestly? It's forced and sounds like what it is- a story. It's also a really, really, incredibly cliche idea, and that makes it rather hard to be scared of.


Well, thanks for the criticism at least. Is there anything else you didn't like? You've critiqued the idea behind it, anything about my writing style as a whole?



It's lacking in any kind of feeling or emotion; it's like you read somewhere that, for a story to be creepy, you follow THIS formula, and do THAT twist, and so you did. I don't know how the other person 'got chills'- there's literally no feeling behind this. It's a story that reads like exactly that- a story. And, especially for a scary tale- ESPECIALLY for one that wants to be so personal and 'real'- that's a very bad thing.



I think that's what makes it good. The lack of emotion from this obviously sick, delusional and violent asshole. It makes the reader feel more uneasy. Yeah it's somewhat of a "cliche". But what isn't now a days? I thought it was great and left me feeling like I needed to clean my insides. It was all around eerie and very well done! Can't wait to see the progress of your story telling and where your writing can take you. Deffitnely listen to your audience but don't lose yourself with their critiques!

Re: A Love Letter

Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:51 pm
by Skamzi
The way he described her at the very beginning sounded too fetishistic and not truly loving, I think you gave away your ending right there. This kind of situation is so common in real life and fiction that you lose a lot of suspense because we know where it's going. The threats didn't even seem far from the reality, so you definitely succeeded at making it creepy in a very real way. I'd suggest maybe adding a trigger warning for stalking and harassment.